It’s funny how when I’m the most busy, I have all these ideas of things I could be doing instead. When I have piles and piles of work to do, I think of all the things I want to do, to make, to read. I think of all the conversations I want to have, and all the scripture I want to read. I think about how close I want to grow with God, and how hard the relentless struggle to and fro between sin and obedience is.
And yet, nights like these— when I have time to do these things— I can’t. I still have the desires to read, to write, to create new things— but I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. It’s probably the oddest thing in the world. So, rather than making something new for my very bare dorm room walls which haven’t been decorated enough since I moved into the room in August, I sat there with this restless feeling. This feeling of wanting to create, but not being able to. I can’t explain what it’s like. It’s like… having so much to say and not being able to say it. It’s like… having all of this emotion and creativity built up but the total inability to carry it out. And yet, tomorrow, when I’m busy with classes and meeting with friends and everything, I’ll think of a thousand things I want to read and make.
Tonight, I took a nap in my frustration. And yet, I need to talk with God, but somehow can’t. Has anyone else been in this predicament?